is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
