new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize