he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
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