don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
