I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
