Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize