he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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