It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm always down for nudity.
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