I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
