If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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