Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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