The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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