if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just forgot I was standing up.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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