you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
