YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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