sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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