If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Randomize
