i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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