the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
