You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
