your parents love me but you hate me
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
