1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
