so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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