i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
