when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
