I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
