sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I got inside last night via doggy door
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
