dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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