We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
