mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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