Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm always down for nudity.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
