This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize