Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
