ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
