you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
This is my gift to your gina
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
