I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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