Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
