Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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