yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize