After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
