what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
