she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Barsexuality is the new black.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
