So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
