You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
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