Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
