Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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