i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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