I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
