Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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