another moral hangover. fuck.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
