textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
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