Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
