Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
