He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
