it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
