he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
