I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
