The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
