I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
